Saturday, October 27, 2012

Day 6: Camoflage

"These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am...take me or not, now I finally understand..." - "Camoflage", Brandy


Despite this yucky weather that Sandy is dumping on us, today was a good day. I did something today besides stay in the bed. So what I had to go to work? I did something else too!

I took myself to the movies. I've probably been to the movies 3 times by myself in the past year and that's a high estimate. The irony is that he wasn't particularly interested in this movie, so I automatically moved the movie to my "future Redbox rentals" mental queue. I really did. Pleasantly, I laughed hysterically, rolled my eyes on the corny parts, and enjoyed my own company. I feel like I'm learning who I am all over again.

Today is the last day that I'm dedicating a blog to this past that I've mourned. Like I've been saying all along, you don't love someone for a year & do nothing without them only to separate "peacefully". Man, listen...I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE PEACEFULLY! ::cue "And I Am Telling You":: I'm a fighter in everything. I literally came out of my mother's womb fighting for life. I fight hard, I love hard, & I don't quit on people that I care for. I feel like he quit on me. I feel like I've failed.

That's that. Moving forward.

All I can say is that I've been in my bible so deep this week and prayed so hard that I physically FEEL like someone someone I've never known. I've been shown some really interesting things about how the enemy has infiltrated small things, areas in my life that are "just for fun" or "not a big deal". I asked for the wisdom & it's amazing to see it come to me.

I am so humbled by the people who have shown me compassion, kindness, and true love this week. I'll look back at these blogs and chuckle in a few months (weeks hopefully), but there have been some very dark, unintelligible days that I've spent feeling lost, abandoned, flawed, and "less than" damaged goods. My friends have lifted me up in prayer; my aunt has read with me and helped to decipher some of life's riddles; and my mom preached to me the best sermon I've heard in ages.

The resounding message has been that I was uniquely crafted this way for a reason. I possess character, moral content, and kindness. Most of all, despite distractions and wrong decisions, I TRULY seek God's Will in my life and on earth. I welcome correction and ask God for the wisdom and instruction to come into my heart and change errors.

On the flip...

There are some absolutely wonderful things about me that don't need changing, many of which had been neglected or gone unnoticed.

Uncovering the camoflage, one moment at a time....

1 comment:

  1. that is one of my favorite brandy songs. OF ALL TIME! probably the fave off that album for sure.

    maybe you didn't "fail." maybe God graciously pried something from your hands that wasn't for you to begin with?

    just a thought. :0)