Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day 2


In general, I'm a mess. Yesterday was difficult in that I realized where I erred in not inviting God to the party. Today is difficult because I feel like I possess some unforgivable flaw that makes me unworthy of love & therefore unworthy of the life we'd been planning over the past 14 months.

Not good enough. Not pious enough. Not holy enough. Not caring enough. Not giving enough. Not good enough.

Apparently, I'm so wrong in my beliefs and approach to life that a person who says they love me can't find a reason or way to make it work. I can't reconcile that in my mind.The questions are taking over. I don't even know if I could even recognize true from false, love from fear, right from wrong. The past year is like an apparition that only happened on the inside.

Did you really love me?
Do you know what love means?
Do you know how love manifests?
Why didn't you tell me when you first had apprehensions?
Why did you tell me that you accepted me & would't judge me?
What happened to you that has made your heart hard?
Why don't the words and actions add up?

It's hard to be in a scenario like this and not feel used, abandoned, mocked, and mistreated. I have to hope that perhaps he loved me the best he knew how. Unfortunately, I can't even see how he loved me at all, let alone "best". The point keeps rising that "we don't believe the same things" and that "it could never work". Maybe I don't know enough about the world or how things work, but it seems to me that if we both believe in God as supreme ruler of the universe, that he sent his son Jesus to rescue us from sin, & that as believers in him, we must lead lives that glorify him...HOW DO WE NOT BELIEVE IN THE SAME THINGS?

How do we not believe in the same things?

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